


the totally serious Kingsman Official Groupchat

by dreamalittledreamofmeee



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Eggsy Unwin is a Little Shit, F/F, Funny, Good Charlie Hesketh, Harry Hart is a Little Shit, I made this for me, Kingsman Groupchat, M/M, Merlin is a Little Shit, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:14:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27600544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamalittledreamofmeee/pseuds/dreamalittledreamofmeee
Relationships: Amelia/Original Character, Charlie Hesketh/Brandon, Harry Hart | Galahad/Merlin/Gary "Eggsy" Unwin, James | Lancelot/Percival (Kingsman), Roxy Morton | Lancelot/Tilde
Comments: 3
Kudos: 34





	1. old teens and eee gays

-

eggy: What if

eggy: We added the adults

Hezkeith: Fuck no.

007: we say adults like we aren’t in fact 25 or older

eggy: listen

eggy: I qualify as an old teen

-

Roxanne: I just mistyped “Eggsy” and it came out as “eee gay” and I think that says a lot about him as a person.

eggy: so funny 

Jamie: I’m dying

eggy: who tf

Roxanne: It’s Gareth/James

eggy: Oh cool then

-

007: My gf who works with clowns just said mimes came first so technically clowns are just scene mimes

eggy: your gf who works with clowns

Hezkeith: Does she work here? 

eggy: Burn… on yourself…?

Hezkeith: Sometimes you say things without really thinking and 

Roxy: The title of Eggsy’s autobiography

-  
Roxy changed Eggy to egg

Roxy changed Hezkeith to Horse

Roxy: Lmao

Horse: why

egg: you couldn’t even bother to capitalize egg

egg: are you serious 

Roxy: No I purposely made it lowercase to annoy you

egg: you

egg: are the worst

egg: you were only supposed to change Charlie’s dammit

Horse: excuse me

egg: lmao bye 

Horse: UNWIN.


	2. eggsy is a dumb genius (and we love him for it)

egg: Peer pressure me into doing this project

Jamie: do it or you’re straight

egg: I said pressure not threaten.

-

Horse: Can someone please change my username

egg: no

egg: this is punishment for trying to kill me

egg: and also if i have to be fucking egg you best believe you’re gonna be horse, arsehole

Horse: I SAID I WAS SORRY

egg: YOU SHOT ME

Horse: YOU SHOT ME TOO

egg: whats your point

-

-  
007 has added HarryHart, Merlin, and Percival

egg: what the fuck Melia

007: I just wanted to spice it up a lil

egg: well these names will not do

egg has changed HarryHart to Haz

egg: there

Horse: eggsy: these nameS. Also eggsy: changes ONE (1) name

egg: I never claimed I could count

Horse: you were in the fucking army

egg: *Navy

egg: everyone knows people in the navy are number dyslexic 

007: what did you just call it

egg: shut up

Roxylot: you also have an IQ of 162

egg: being a genius doesn’t mean I’m smart at things

Roxylot: that’s the exact definition of a genius you dumbass

-


	3. a classic case of gay panic

-

egg: Amelia on the outside after she saw Chloe’s new tatts: “Oh they’re very pretty babe”

egg: Melia on the inside after she saw Chloe’s new tatts: “hnngh tattoos on pretty girl”

007: …

007: Eggsy on the outside when he saw Merlin shirtless: “Woah you never told me you had abs bruv”

egg: wait no please I’m sorry

egg: Melia 

egg: Why are you taking so long to type what are you typing no no

Jamie: I’m interested now

Horse: As am I

Roxy: Ohoho

007: Eggsy on the inside when he saw Merlin shirtless, experiencing much gay panic, struggling with his attraction to older fit men, very similar to him seeing Arthur and Percival shirtless: “jdblqehblkqmndsivqbepivfjq3pirhvqefvbsjjiooee hlp me gay me very vry gAY error cannot compute”

egg: you know what mate

Horse: LMAO

Jamie: Honestly same

egg: a big F U goes out to Amelia Bronswick

egg: bc Merlin, Harry, and Perce are in this chat

Roxy: oooh.

egg: and it’s only a matter of time before they see that

egg: Siri where is the nearest cliff

-

HazHart: I do believe this is the one time I’ve been rendered speechless.

Merlin: First of all, bull, second of all…

Merlin: Lad, that’s nothing to be embarrassed about compared to the other things I’d show you.

Horse: IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII am NEVER going to be able to unread that.

Roxy: There are private chats, do you realize that.

egg: did someone say something

egg: oh

egg: oh.

Egg has left the chat

Jamie: PFFFFFFFT

Horse: the slow realization

007: Well that’s one way to get someone off a chat.

Roxy: He really said ‘gotta blast’

Percival: Hello, is anyone concerned about the screaming I just heard?

Percival: Oh.

Roxy: WTF IF WITH THE ‘OH’S

Horse: how loud was the screaming

007: What kind of screaming 😏😏

Horse: JAIL

Roxy: Amelia I fucking choked on my tea  
-


	4. (in all seriousness don’t out your friends)

-

Seriously, No Adults -

Roxy has added Eggsy to the Chat

Roxy has changed Eggsy to Egg

Roxy: Are you ok

Egg: Um

Egg: Well Merlin came to my room and I started freaking the hell out and then he kissed me

Egg: so that was nice

Horse: “so that was nice” I don’t know why that broke me

007: sorry for outing you

007: but at least it had a good outcome?

Egg: it’s fine

Egg: cause like um he also pushed me against the wall and did some “hey lil mama lemme whisper in your ear” so

Egg: much sexier when he did it

Horse: Brb jumping out a window

007: Knew Merlin was a kinky bastard at heart

Roxy: Um can we not talk about my uncle

Jamie: Would sell my left leg to hear Merlin say “hey lil mama lemme whisper in your ear”

Horse: honestly same but I would be scarred I think

007: what happened to window jumping

Horse: I’m using voice speaker because I’m paralyzed now

007: hate that I don’t know if you’re joking or not


	5. idiot gays *guys

Egg: so like um

Egg: this was an ACCIDENT

Horse: oh god

Egg: My stitches ripped and like I don’t wanna bother the people at medical but I’m bleeding like a lot

Roxy: MEDICAL.

Roxy: NOW.

Egg: It’s so far tho

Egg: and like I just

Egg: eh

Roxy: YOUR STITCHES RIPPED THIS IS NOT EH GET YOUR ASS TO MEDICAL NOW

007: eggsy don’t be dumb

007: if roxy do the cuss roxy do the kill

Egg: Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine

Egg: I’m going

007: Eggsy I see through your cameras. Medical. Now.

Egg: Stalker

Horse: I’ll see you there, my wrist is fractured 

Roxy: Men are dumb

007: why do you think I’m dating a girl


End file.
